An alternative look ahead to the new Premier League season
Now that the Premier League season has begun, it’s the perfect time to make some predictions as to how it will unfold. You might say something like: “But that’s cheating!” Well, we’re playing Blatter rules here, so deal with it. Anyway, let’s start with the top four…
1) Manchester United – David de Gea will be declared the club’s worst goalkeeper of all time. When he plays like a young Edwin van der Sar it will confuse people. Once healthy, Chicharito will lead the defending champions with 45 goals, mostly scored with his face and pancreas. Rio Ferdinand will suffer four separate injuries while tweeting. Dimitar Berbatov will have more hat tricks than matches played. And Wayne Rooney will brush his new hair so much that it all falls out again. The club’s 20th title will comfort him, though.
2) Chelsea – Fernando Torres will go on a torrid run where he scores 10 goals in five matches. He will then disappear for the rest of the season as he sets out to personally slap the face of each person who made fun of him during his scoring drought. André Villas-Boas will get sacked in December. Three hours later he will be reinstated when Roman Abramovich decides to buy some impulse control for £73million. Didier Drogba’s cat, Kitier Katba, will win Premier League Pet of the Year even though such an award does not exist.
3) Man City – Roberto Mancini will get sacked in February for having a £1billion team play with the attacking flair of a brick wall. Mario Balotelli will accidentally make his own nuclear weapon and speed away in his Maserati before the military confiscates it. Sergio Aguero will be regarded as a cross between an angel and all of the X-Men combined. And Carlos Tevez will realise that Manchester is way more fun than somewhere that wouldn’t pay him as much.
4) Liverpool – Kenny Dalglish will finally learn the names of all 412 of his midfielders in April. Club historians will insist that £35 million was paid for Luis Suarez and not the one with the ponytail. No one will notice when Joe Cole disappears into thin air. Steven Gerrard will quote Phil Collins lyrics and Alberto Aquilani will have no idea what he’s talking about.
Other predictions: Arsène Wenger will start wearing black eye shadow and sad Charlie Brown music will play wherever he goes. Joey Barton will continue to quote Nietzsche and then fight people. Harry Redknapp will bite anyone who calls him a wheeler-dealer. David Beckham will pretend he might join Sunderland’s collection of former Man Utd players in January. Someone will make an Alan Partridge joke in reference to Norwich. Stoke will play a whole match without committing a single act of unspeakable violence.
The relegated: Swansea, QPR and Venky’s Blackburn Chicken Emporium.
If any of these predictions turn out to be wrong, it will be a direct result of Biff Tannen travelling back in time and messing up the past, thus plunging us into an alternate 2011/12 Premier League season. In which case Manchester City will probably win the double. See you in May.
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