Theo’s dreaming of a Reds Christmas
I hope you don’t mind me getting in early, but I’ve been a good boy this year. Honestly. Get one of your little helpers to look at Arsenal’s official website. I’m there, No14. It says: “Lightning-fast forward Theo Walcott enjoyed perhaps his best Arsenal season to date in 2011-12.”
I scored 11 goals and made 12 assists. Surely that’s worth raising my pocket money to £100,000 a week. You can’t get many sweets for £75,000, which is what Arsenal expect me to accept. Mr Wenger says that he wants my future decided by the time you start popping down chimneys on Christmas Eve.
He keeps leaving me little hints, like team sheets that don’t have my name on. I’ve been starting less frequently than André Santos’s Maserati since he had that little misunderstanding at 145mph with the local constabulary. I feel like I am permanently on the naughty step.
It is only when I am away with England, and that nice Mr Hodgson gives me the Lonely Planet guide to Rio de Janeiro to study, that I feel at ease. Even then, though, I have to put up with boys like Gary Cahill, James Milner and Andy Carroll saying they can go to the tuck shop more regularly than me.
That hurts, Santa. As you know, I’ve written a series of children’s books about football. Guess who I based the main character, TJ, on? Here’s a clue. His biography reads: “A skilful forward with an outstanding turn of speed. He has an incredibly powerful shot and he’s good in the air, too.” That’s right – me.
I keep telling everyone I am a natural centre-forward who will score a lot of goals, but only that nice Mr Rodgers seems to understand. I promise I haven’t been taking lessons in loyalty from Robbie Keane, but Liverpool was the club I supported as a boy.
So, Santa, unless Mr Wenger gives you a cheque to leave under the tree for me, I’d like a Liverpool shirt for Christmas, with No9 on the back – Andy Carroll has grown out of his. Thanks! Oh, and by the way, remind Rudolph to stretch those hamstrings. I know it makes sense.
Yours in hope,
Theo, aged 23 ¾
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